tylertiger

So here is the basic update on whats going on with me at the moment.

In the last two months I have:

1. Lost my Job
2. Lost my phone
3. Lost my apartment
4. Lost my bank account
5. Gone into extreme debt to try and keep the previously listed four
6. Had the wheels stolen off of my brand new car and had it scratched and damaged.
7. Had to move in with my father
8. Had 0% success in finding a new job or remedy of the above problems.

All in all I'd say that I'm extremely stressed out, but I feel that I do (most of the time) a pretty good job of keeping it to myself. For those that do know me, you know that I don't like sharing the actual burden of the problems with anyone else.

This isn't to say that all things in my life are negative at the moment. Quite the opposite. I have an awful lot of blessings in my life that the Good Lady has bestowed upon me.

I have a wonderful mate. She strives every day to do better than the last and even tolerates my occasional outbursts. She works hard to try and please me (that is emotional and intellectual pleasure) and is by far the most physically satisfying partner I have ever had in my entire life. She is playful and fun, aggressive (most of the time in a good way) and shares some very special things, as far as commonalities go, with me.

I have a great best-friend, Mr. C, who stands by my side even when I'm fucking up royally and is willing (as far as I can tell) to follow me through the gates of hell and back. His girlfriend (Syrianna_Sphynx) is also pretty awesome and gives me comfort in the form of in-depth movie discussions and strange conversations. She treats my best-bud well (and for that there is no reward greater for my friend or for her). Friends like Mr. C and his girl are rare indeed.

My dad is a constant source of encouragement to me, which is nice seeing as I never felt him to be as such before. He is not only a provider, but a source of reassurance when I am uncomfortable going to other parties for advice.

Despite all of the good things in my life (And there are many) I have been battling my depression for quite some time. I find it difficult to keep myself motivated to do the things that I know need to be done and seem to chip away at my time through endeavors that are half-hearted at best.

I take solace in (Other than my family gathered here with me) my occasional trips to one particular place of business, and cooking. Even the latter of those is starting to just become another chore to me. I find it increasingly difficult not to push important people in my life away from me due to the fact that (again because of depression and without any real reasoning behind it) I feel as though I am circling the drain at an increasingly  faster rate. There is a huge amount of pressure applied to me to be the biggest/best/fastest/strongest provider and I am, for the most part, failing miserably. I wonder what happened to the me that never had these problems...I wonder why I can't seem to make my ends meet and solve my problems. I used to be a guy with all the answers, even if they weren't the right ones at least I still had -something-.

More later I guess...

PS: ...I wish I had more people on my friends list here...