tylertiger

So I've got a cold. My body aches like crazy and my head is killing me, but other than that things are alright.

Ashley and I are getting along great. We have had a few very very minor misunderstandings that have (Hurrah for us) stayed as nothing more than that and had quick and good resolutions.

Jesse, my old cat, is now back with us. She will likely be staying as a porch cat, but at least she's here and can be loved and given a good home. Ivy is leaving today at around 6pm. While I will miss her it is a great load of stress off of both Ashley and I. The kittens are....retardedly adorable and sweet.

Mr. C will be coming home soon so that's good for us as well. I hope he's doing well.

It's a short update today, sorry. I'm just far to sick to make a big post. *Bleh*

So here I am, sitting around at four thirty in the morning. I figure I have time to say something and more than a few things to say.

1) I have given my dragon another chance.
   1a.)She knows what she has to do to make it up in my eyes
        1ab.)So far she's doing exceptionally well.
2) Stress has taken a toll on both of us. In me it seems to be manifesting in a way that I can't quite put my finger on or describe.
3) I wish I had a job.
4) I -REALLY- wish I had a job.
5) I can't wait to go back to the woodshed this weekend.
6) Is it normal to feel so completely fatigued all the time?
7) I...don't seem to be gaining weight...but I am eating (and hungry) all the time.
8) I wonder if my finances will ever recover...
9) School. School is an interesting bullet on this list. I want to go. I want to go VERY badly. Still though...the thought of leaving my entire life behind again (That is my family 'blood relations') is very very daunting. The good news is...wait for it...


DRUM ROLL::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

My brother will be coming with us most likely if I do go. He's said that it'll be one week till he dumps the horrible bitch that he calls a girlfriend and moves on with his life! FINALLY!

***Edited note: I have made a bet with my brother for a best two out of three Starcraft 2 match. I'm so gonna smoke him.

I feel as though I have done an exceptional job in a few things, and just because I like bullet-style lists here is another one:

• Been a good brother and convinced my sibling to make a choice that I am quite sure has saved his life.
• Been a good boyfriend and given a second chance to someone I love.
• Been a good husband and taken care of my wife while she's been sick (Or tried to at least. )
• Been a good friend and given very decent (IMO) advice to my best friend Mr. C.
• Been a good son and made my father feel like he has a family again and something for him to look forward to coming home to.

All in all, I feel as though I am moving past my points of depression and accepting them as another...well...bullet point on my resume of life. Huzzah for insightful thinking. Three cheers for introspection. A toast, I say, to being adaptive.

tl;dr: Lotsa crap, but it's all okay.

PS: My kitten is so adorable it's disgusting. If you stare at him long enough You'll get diabetes. Wilford Brimley style.

I'm glad she can at least sleep. She deserves that much.

I just...wish it could be beside me.

But it can't be that way...would that it could.

More later...a tired and awake tiger...

So here I sit.

Alone.

It's not what I wanted before, it's not what I want right now.

I'm so miserable...

I feel so abandoned...

I'm so sad.

More later...I guess.

This is a promise to myself...to more than myself as it is to everyone else as well...


A tiger, is born into the world and knows it's parents for only a short while. He then sets off on his own to make his own way through the wilds of the world. He needs nothing more than what nature can give him, and he is willing to work hard to get even that. He asks for sunlight to warm him, the breeze to cool him, water to quench his thirst and prey to hunt. He asks for nothing more, and finds great joy in the simple things of life, such as the grass beneath his paws as he walks. A tiger does not cower, instead it shows courage in the face of adversity. A Tiger does not act meek, instead he is bold and fierce and passionate about everything he does. When it is his time to go into death, he does not bow his head and admit defeat, but rather turns to walk a new path until death finally catches him and lays him down. He does not fear it, rather respects it and knows that eventually even his life must end.

And that...is my creedo that is the thing that makes me what I am.

So here is the basic update on whats going on with me at the moment.

In the last two months I have:

1. Lost my Job
2. Lost my phone
3. Lost my apartment
4. Lost my bank account
5. Gone into extreme debt to try and keep the previously listed four
6. Had the wheels stolen off of my brand new car and had it scratched and damaged.
7. Had to move in with my father
8. Had 0% success in finding a new job or remedy of the above problems.

All in all I'd say that I'm extremely stressed out, but I feel that I do (most of the time) a pretty good job of keeping it to myself. For those that do know me, you know that I don't like sharing the actual burden of the problems with anyone else.

This isn't to say that all things in my life are negative at the moment. Quite the opposite. I have an awful lot of blessings in my life that the Good Lady has bestowed upon me.

I have a wonderful mate. She strives every day to do better than the last and even tolerates my occasional outbursts. She works hard to try and please me (that is emotional and intellectual pleasure) and is by far the most physically satisfying partner I have ever had in my entire life. She is playful and fun, aggressive (most of the time in a good way) and shares some very special things, as far as commonalities go, with me.

I have a great best-friend, Mr. C, who stands by my side even when I'm fucking up royally and is willing (as far as I can tell) to follow me through the gates of hell and back. His girlfriend (Syrianna_Sphynx) is also pretty awesome and gives me comfort in the form of in-depth movie discussions and strange conversations. She treats my best-bud well (and for that there is no reward greater for my friend or for her). Friends like Mr. C and his girl are rare indeed.

My dad is a constant source of encouragement to me, which is nice seeing as I never felt him to be as such before. He is not only a provider, but a source of reassurance when I am uncomfortable going to other parties for advice.

Despite all of the good things in my life (And there are many) I have been battling my depression for quite some time. I find it difficult to keep myself motivated to do the things that I know need to be done and seem to chip away at my time through endeavors that are half-hearted at best.

I take solace in (Other than my family gathered here with me) my occasional trips to one particular place of business, and cooking. Even the latter of those is starting to just become another chore to me. I find it increasingly difficult not to push important people in my life away from me due to the fact that (again because of depression and without any real reasoning behind it) I feel as though I am circling the drain at an increasingly  faster rate. There is a huge amount of pressure applied to me to be the biggest/best/fastest/strongest provider and I am, for the most part, failing miserably. I wonder what happened to the me that never had these problems...I wonder why I can't seem to make my ends meet and solve my problems. I used to be a guy with all the answers, even if they weren't the right ones at least I still had -something-.

More later I guess...

PS: ...I wish I had more people on my friends list here...

There are few things in the world that I just happen to know my wonderful wife would be jealous of...

this is definitely one of those things she would be jealous of.

I don't update often...but this is -SO- worth it.

I had two beautiful...beautiful...boys sleeping with me. They snuggled up on my lap and I just...relaxed and played video games.

My wife was what...maybe....two feet behind me? She had -no- idea...

Sexy stuff. Very very sexy stuff.

<3 my new Boyfriends...Balthazar and Shi'Nova.

<3 my wife. *Kisses and love.


Jealous? 

On November 1st 2008 my friend and brother Rukus lost his life to depression. He hung himself in his room. He was found by Sable his ex-boyfriend.  He is sorely missed and fondly remembered. The good times we had with him were great and wonderful...

It's not fair that he's gone.

It's not right.

It's sad.



When I find out any details about his funeral arrangements I will let my friends and family know...

My hand hurts.
My brain hurts.
My feet hurt.
My back hurts.
My pride hurts.
Fuck...just about everything hurts right now.

Yesterday was the WORST day at work -ever- bar none.

Here is how my day NORMALLY is supposed to go:

Arrive at work: 3:45pm / Do inventory checklist and set up prep yields for the day / 4pm clock in and start working / Do carrots (roughly about 45 minutes to an hour) / Do Broccoli (Another 30 min to an hour depending) / Shuck and cut corn off of the cob (about 20 to 30 minutes) / Cut cauliflower (15 minutes at the MOST) / Work on cheeses, cleaning and backing up the line (so that the line chefs have stuff to serve y'know?) And USUALLY I get out of the store somewhere around the time period of 10pm maybe 10:45.

Last night I got OFF work at 12:30.

Last night I cut a HUNDRED FUCKING POUNDS of Carrots, which is FOUR times the amount that I am supposed to be cutting normally.
I have a blister, from that,  which looks like a gangrene abscess on my finger and my hand is so stiff that it feels like a monumental effort to even use the damn thing. I cut corn that wasn't ripe, and in the process almost cut off my fingers a few times. Also I had to PEEL EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BROCCOLI STEM! Which I hate doing and it takes forever to do. Additionally because of all of the frustration and stress of going through all this crap AND being late AND having an injured paw, I started to act in a sour mood. SOOOOO to combat this Chef threatened me with a firing.

Lovely.

I had a bad night...thaaaats for sure.

HOWEVER

Coming home to the awesome people that I live with makes it much better. Much better indeed. My girlfriend who is sweet enough to listen to me bitch and whine and then gives me hugs (Win!), Carlin who is always having a worse day than me (LOL!) , Caleb...who...is...just...kinda....Sarge.  It's just nice to have such a cool home and such awesome people in it.

So:

IN SUMMARY: 

1. Shitty night.
2. Hand hurts.
3. Awesome people at home.
4. Girlfriend rocks and makes me smile.

-Nice-

"Oh no! Why are they doing this to you? I thought they were your friends ~_~. I can't imagine seeing you like this. I'm sorry there isn't more I can do. I wish there was."
             - Golden Loki in reference to the unfortunate fact that we have had to ask Armand to move out because of financial strain.

This is the kind of shit that makes me furious. This is the kind of blind backstabbing from someone who DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW ME OR MY SITUATION that makes me want to do nothing more than flip right the fuck out on him and beat his teeth through the back of his skull. This is fucking bullshit and I really am quite tempted to just start being an asshole myself about the whole issue.

MAYBE if he took the time to THINK his statement through BEFORE his opened his mouth he would have an easier time in life. As for right now, my opinion of Golden Loki has dropped from:

"Meh, he seems alright"
to
"Oh great, another fucking drama whore."



SO, lets just get this out in the open for right now.

FUCK YOU GOLDEN LOKI. 

Don't even -DREAM- of asking for any favors from me. You're on my shit list from  here out.

I have, BTW, provided FOOD, SHELTER, ENTERTAINMENT, CIGARETTES, TRANSPORTATION, and even given GIFTS with money that I DIDN'T have to be giving to Armand. I have not asked for ANYTHING back. NOT ONE FUCKING THING. If that isn't proof enough that I AM  a friend to Armand then I don't know what the fuck else you want from me.

I haven't really enjoyed my day.

I did a lot of sleeping, and a bit of movie watching and some video game playing but as far as stuff goes I'm just not into it at the moment. Even one of my favorite video games wasn't holding my interest long enough to make it worth the hassle.

I've watched (read RE-watched) like four films today and I don't find myself paying much attention to them.

For the most part it was a day full of wandering around the house aimlessly and sleeping with my kitty curled up against me.

BTW this is the first time she's ever done that! So that was kind of exciting and neat.

Work was ridiculous.

Usually I am supposed to preform a series of tasks, about 20 jobs in total, in order to complete my prep list at Houstons. This usually takes about 8 hours to do if done at a normal speed.

For some reason the last three days I have just TORN through this work. Two days in a row I have now gotten off work TWO hours early! This makes me look FUCKING AWESOME to my chef and my boss. So...yeah...go me.

Additionally: I miss Ashley. She's awesome and I'm lonely when she's not about.
Also Additionally: My feet hurt.

Not really sure what else I should talk about...

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Right now she's sleeping. She's asleep on my bed. Curled up small under the blankets, her body warm to the touch and her breathing slow and steady. She smells like vanilla, and she kisses perfectly. She taunts and teases and drive me wild all day, in the best ways. The feeling I get from holding her small frame up against mine is thrilling, exhillerating and invigorating all at the same time. Hugging her makes me feel more alive each time I do it. She's beautiful. Not like movie stars or painted art, but like sunset beautiful...the kind you can stare at for hours. 


And right now...she's sleeping. She's asleep on my bed.

How did I get that lucky?

It's me.